What a Difference a Year Makes...

Last year at this time, I was poised to make a huge change. After devoting my life (and career) to the specialty of Neonatal Intensive Care Nursing, it was time for a change. It is really hard to walk away from a job you adore but sometimes life gets in the way. And so I did it...I walked away. I walked away from making a difference in the lives of those tiny babies and their families. I walked away from the best co-workers ever. I walked away from a great schedule with long stretches of days off. And I walked away from 12 hour days, weekends and holidays. I told myself that change is good and I was given a great opportunity to learn so many new things by becoming a member of the internal float pool of a large physician's group. Umm...culture shock! Every day was something new and I had to work really hard to learn the details and work flow of a new employer and multiple specialty clinics (13 in all!). I was presented as an expert in all areas but in reality I was drowning while I tried to learn it all. I gradually developed a confidence I didn't know I had and I took control of my practice. I loved working with all age groups and learning new skills.

What I didn't expect was the sadness that came from not having a "home" base. I loved being home with my kids every night for family dinners and I loved my weekend dates with Bob but I missed seeing the same coworkers every single day and being a part of a team. So...I took another leap of faith, restructured my résumé and looked for an opportunity that would make everyone happy. Sometimes, when we least expect it, something comes along that we just can't say no to. Within 72 hours of looking for the right fit, I was hired for my dream job. All the skills I learned in the NICU combined with the multi-specialty skills I learned floating led me to accept the Bone and Mineral Infusion Nurse position at a local Children's Hospital. As I sit here, a year later, I realize that this is all part of a bigger plan. I have been blessed to  have found another job that I adore. I still keep in touch with my NICU friends and love catching up with them over an occasional lunch. I left my first job of the year on good terms and was actually contacted by one of the clinics and told I could come back at any time. I have made new friends all over the city and I have learned so much! I have a schedule that fits my life and I feel challenged (yet capable) of doing the complicated infusions I have to do. And I love going to work. Every. Single. Day. What a difference a year makes...

Pace: Just Above Don't Quit

Yesterday I ran the Inaugural Saints Stampede. This is a race I had looked forward to for months. Granted, it was only a 5K but I love St. Thomas Aquinas High School and all it stands for. As the mom of 3 alumni and one current student, who has attended countless games, activities, banquets, conferences, etc., I couldn't wait for it to be my turn to participate in a sports related way. I knew I wasn't going to win the race but I have run countless miles this summer in spite of the never-ending heat and drought. I have run those miles with friends as we talk and laugh the whole time and I have run them solo. Nothing stops me. Not even the severe storm which required a rescue last Saturday morning. This is my passion and I love every minute of it...even when it hurts. 

Yesterday it hurt. I have been fighting some nagging injuries these past few months but I chose to run through them. For the most part they haven't slowed me down and my time is better than ever. After last fall's plantar fasciitis, I have learned to land mid foot rather than heel strike. I have done squats and lunges and whatever it takes to build lower body strength. My endurance has absolutely amazed me because a 10 mile run is truly no big deal. In short, I am having the time of my life which is why yesterday was so hard. 

I started out too fast but I maintained the pace and adjusted for the first mile or so. My goal was definitely in reach no matter how hard the course was. The Saint's Stampede was different because it was the first time I had ever run on a cross-country course and it was brutal. Due to the drought the ground was hard and uneven. The gravel was even worse because it left me very unsure of my footing. I chose the dirt and I ran on. I usually smile when I run but yesterday the most I could manage was a grimace. I ran with friends occasionally but as I slowed my pace they moved on. The one thing I didn't count on was for my injury to raise it's ugly head. I started to feel the pain deep in my hip pretty early. Usually it starts in my right calf and Achilles but this pain was different. I have always thought that I compensated with my left hip when the calf and Achilles acted up. This time I couldn't propel my left leg forward. It was almost as if it was in a locked position. Pain was shooting down the side of my leg. My stride was awkward and uneven and my hamstring felt like toast. I kept going. I was not going to quit. After the first lap I realized I was dealing with something more serious than I originally thought. Fortunately, I've been doing this long enough to know I have options. I could have joined the walkers but I just couldn't give up. This is where the benefit of running with friends and a trainer really helps. Brandon and the Lifetime Run Club never let me quit and they all have truly taught me to believe in myself. 

Just Breathe...I've heard it many times. Lifetime Lenexa thinks I was making fun of his mantras with my "deep thoughts by Brandon" comment but sometimes those mantras are all I've got.           

You've got this...that's right...I've got this; I can control this race and how I react to it. I slowed my pace, I listened to my music. I began to smile. This race may have been kicking my a**  but I wasn't giving up that easily.

Pace: Just Above Don't Quit...That's right. Don't quit. It doesn't matter how fast you finish; what matters is that you finish. I ran the second lap of the course and saw I wasn't the only one struggling with the terrain. The weather may have been perfect but on this day it just wasn't my time. 

Save Some For the Finish...and I did. I may have limped my way around the second lap but there was no way I was going to limp my way to the finish. As I neared the stadium I slowly picked up my pace in 10% increments. When I entered that stadium I was running strong. I stopped and hugged Abby because the cheerleaders were still there to welcome the runners back to the turf and then I crossed the finish line. 

Done. Just like that. It wasn't pretty but at least it wasn't a DNF. My hip ached. I couldn't extend my left leg but I was done. I tried to drive and then I cried. This was an injury that was here to stay. I'd pushed it too hard. Fortunately, I've run with Kim and her taped hamstring long enough to know that she would know who to call. Today I did not run and I skipped our Sunday Small Group. Tomorrow I meet with a chiropractor who specializes in sports injuries. I went to bed last night feeling like I may never run again, today I woke up with hope. An injury isn't a death sentence, it's just a roadblock. I plan to take a break and rehab my hip and then I plan to be back running stronger and smarter. I just hope it doesn't take too long because I am not a patient person and the fall race season is calling me.

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard everyone would do it. The 'hard' is what makes it great."                                        
Tom Hanks-A League of Their Own

Learn to Fly

This morning, as with just about every other Saturday morning, I headed to Lifetime to run with the Run Club. I was tired after a late night with friends and just couldn't decide how far I wanted to run. Things haven't gone great lately and distance has not been my friend. As luck would have it, we had very few members today because the others were off running races or spending time with loved ones. It was a beautiful morning but I just wasn't feeling capable of the 8-10 a few people were running (and who am I kidding, I never could have kept up with them) but I was feeling more than the 1 mile our beginner was running (don't get me wrong, running even a block is great when you are just starting out so, you go girl!). We took off and it happened. I just felt the run and that's an amazing feeling. I quit looking at my Garmin for time and decided today was all about distance and if I got so far out that I felt I couldn't run anymore I could always walk. So I ran...

I crossed Renner and 87th without fear. (OK, maybe a little. Seriously, when are they putting the crosswalk lights in?) and kept going to Shawnee Mission Park. As I do with most really good runs I tune into the music and tune everything else out. Everything including the scenery. I ran the Monumental Marathon in Indy and don't remember seeing any monuments. I do, however, remember seeing Lucas Oil Stadium. I ran Rock the Parkway and I couldn't even tell you where Loose Park was. I ran the Trolley Run and barely remember anything but talking with Katie the whole way. The only time I remember enjoying the scenery was Ragnar. At that point I was too naive to realize I was actually running a race and I took everything in. We ran on some beautiful trails through Wisconsin and Northern Illinois and I really enjoyed my time alone. Today was that kind of day. As I ran along the lake, I remembered how beautiful Shawnee Mission Park is, and made a mental note to run this route more often. I ran hills without even realizing it and kept going.

"I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high
Make my way back home when I learn to..."


I suddenly realized I wasn't even listening to my music anymore until I heard those words and they struck a chord with me. I listened to those words and I thought about what I was actually doing. My running has been lacking inspiration lately and I feared burning out. Suddenly, I wanted to get a grasp on my life, take control and make it worth living. Several weeks ago I wrote about fear and yet I still can't shake the fear of failure. I'm dying to run a full marathon but I am so afraid of not being able to successfully complete it that I can't commit. I make excuses (some valid) about being too busy to train. Hello! We are all too busy to train but we all have goals and some people are actually achieving those goals and living life! I tell my children...a goal without a plan is just a wish. My goal of running a marathon has been a lot of wishful thinking. I made it back to the club. I ran my own personal 10K. I got 6.2 miles in and it felt great. I stretched and visited with a friend. I went to Quick Trip for my Diet Coke and checked Facebook for all the postings about Hospital Hill results. (That is another race where I let fear get in the way. It is usually super hot and, of course, hilly and I just couldn't commit.) I got a text from my daughter, Jessica wants you to run the full Kansas City Marathon with her, she doesn't care what pace, she just wants someone to run with. I just laughed and said "no". For the record, Jessica is 23 and really fast!

As the day went on that text haunted me. Wasn't I looking for inspiration? Wasn't I wanting to take control? Here was my chance, I have time to plan. I could make this wish into a concrete reality. I'm not doing it for time. I am doing it to overcome my fear and complete a goal.

"Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to live this life my own (and)
Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to live this life on my own..."


Thanks to the Foo Fighters, some friends, and some great role models, I have decided to take a leap of faith. I have decided to sign up for this race and not look back.

Chills

Last night I felt fortunate enough to get away from work early to get a little bit of strength training in before running with the Lifetime Run Club. I've been enjoying having a bit more free time now that school is out for the summer and our crazy hectic schedule is slowing down. It was hot and I felt like I had drank enough water throughout the day to stay hydrated. I started off a little faster than my normal pace but still well behind most of the group. I didn't care; all that mattered was enjoying a run on a beautiful night. I spent that time reflecting on my running journey over these past 3 years. I never had any intention of being a runner. It was something I felt compelled to do following the death of my brother in law. During those first days following his sudden passing, I spent many sleepless nights worrying about my sister and her 3 small children. That led me to get up early each day to walk. However, walking was no longer enough. I wanted to run. I started slow, sometimes running less than a block at a time but by the end of that summer I was running several miles at a time. Since that time I have run two 5K's, two Half Marathon's, the Trolley Run and Ragnar Chicago. While I still have so much to learn, I feel like I should know enough to listen to my body. More often than not though I take chances and push myself a little harder. Last night I made a mistake, I pushed hard for the first 2 miles and really felt carefree. Halfway into mile three I began to feel the effects of the heat. I knew I should slow down and take it easy but I kept telling myself I could push through it. As soon as my Garmin signaled 3 miles I stopped. I had nothing left to give. I walked back to the club telling myself it was no big deal but deep down I was frustrated. I drank my water and headed home but soon the chills set in. These were teeth chattering, just can't get warm kind of chills. I put on a sweatshirt and wrapped up in a blanket but nothing helped. After 2 hours I finally took a hot bath and warmed up. Looking back I realized I was probably very dehydrated and was having a bad reaction to the heat because once I warmed up I had a horrible headache. I didn't run with water like I normally do in the summer and my water intake over the holiday weekend was less than stellar. These were great lessons to learn (or relearn) before the heat and humidity really set in.

Today I had chills of another kind. As I left work I began receiving a flurry of text messages from my sisters. First Jaime, "Did Erin seriously deliver TODAY? What are the chances?" Today is the 3rd anniversry of Chris's death. Erin is my sister-in-law by marriage and she was expecting a little boy next week. Her husband, Greg, is Chris's brother. We became very close to Erin and Greg and their sweet children, Amelia and Graham, while they lived in Kansas City. We lived close to each other, went to the same church and celebrated many holidays together. We miss them every day because they were the closest thing to family we have here and we look forward to seeing them whenever possible. My next text was from Betsy and it stopped me in my tracks. "I am thrilled to share the following news that at the exact time Chris collapsed three years later Maxwell Christopher Weier was born. Erin went in today a week earlier than her due date. God is good!" Yes, God is good! Congratulations Weier family! We love you and miss you! We can't wait to meet baby Maxwell and I hope he is blessed with Chris's laugh!

Making Memories

So here's the deal, so much of my time is spent being a wife, mom, nurse, housekeeper, laundry goddess...insert your own here, that many times I forget to sit back and make memories. However, I'm sure I make them for my children. They will remember how stressed and frazzled I got, or how I asked them to do "hard-core family clean-ups" or how I was forever nagging them to please put their dishes in the dishwasher,  make their beds or just de-clutter the kitchen (please!). Are those the moments I want them to remember or are the moments I cherish the ones I want them to remember? The following conversation took place at my house last week as we were rushing around frantically trying to get ready for Baccalaureate. It was an event that made me smile and warmed my heart for the rest of the night because for once instead of planning everything down to the last minute detail I left life up to chance and just enjoyed the moment. This is the only picture I have of that night but it doesn't really matter because the memories will always be in my heart.

 "Can I wear my pink fishy tie? What about pants? Can I wear my khakis and Sperry's? No, I don't want to wear my black pants. I'm going to wear my khakis. Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Do I even have to wear pants? I'm not going to wear pants because no one will see what I'm wearing under my gown."  And I just laughed. I laughed because the tension was a little high at my house. I laughed because he was right...no one would see under his gown. And I laughed because in the grand scheme of things it just doesn't matter, it's no big deal. I gave up control and enjoyed the moment and believe me that was such a freeing moment for me. I don't have to control everything, life doesn't have to be perfect. Sometimes a perfect life comes from all of our imperfect moments and there we have it...making memories.

5 Months

Five months ago I ran a Half-Marathon. Yesterday, in anticipation of my next Half-Marathon I was supposed to run a 10K with my BRF's (Best Running Friends) but unfortunately that race didn't happen for me. After months of training (yes I have been silent but I have never quit running) I finally gave in to the fact that I have an injury that needs to be addressed. I hate feeling like a quitter but I had to realistically look at what my ultimate goal is...a 10K or another Half. Reality set in, my ultimate goal is the Half (3 in 2012 if I'm lucky) and the Run for Mercy was just a race I was using to shake some of my jitters before next weekend's Rock the Parkway Half-Marathon. My training for this race has been so great and so much fun and all because of these girls. I've known Robyn forever because we have worked together for years and believe me she has always been an inspiration to me as a runner. Last fall, she and I shared training stories as she and her friend Jennifer trained for the Kansas City Half-Marathon. As luck would have it we decided to go to the Sunday Groupie Runs for Rock the Parkway to train for our next half. However, she couldn't make it to the first training run in January so I decided to brave the cold and go solo. I was feeling tired and very out of shape that first morning and a nice girl offered to run with me. We talked the first 2 miles and had a great time. We talked about our past races and our future plans. I was hoping to see her again but with 150 other runners I wasn't sure that would happen. In a strange twist of fate, I got to work the next morning and Robyn said, "I can't believe out of all of those people there you ran with my friend Jennifer." And from there, new friendships formed and old bonds were strengthened. These girls motivate and inspire me. We cheer each other on and laugh at our mistakes and along the way we find crazy races to run. Jaime and Indy may have #perfect strangers, but I have the Shawnee Runner Girls, my own little group of "Perfect Strangers".

Fear

What is fear, really? Is it being afraid of failure? Or what about being afraid of letting others down? Or maybe it's watching your otherwise perfect world come crashing down around you. Whatever fear is, I've had enough of it and I'm taking back my life. When I last visited my little blog I had just finished my first half-marathon and life was moving along smoothly. But in reality, because life is full of surprises, we hit a few little speed bumps and detours along the way. These obstacles arent't there to throw you off track, they are there to make you slow down and actually live. So,as 2011 came to a close I decided to make some changes. The biggest and most important change was changing jobs from one I loved to one that scared the hell out of me. I left my world of itty bitty babies and became a nurse for all ages. I traded isolettes and PICC lines for exam tables and ports. I traded NG feedings for people who had big time GI issues. I traded fentanyl drips for the Pain Clinic and I traded those itty bitty faces for the faces of who they would grow up to be once they graduated from the NICU.

And so today...nearly 4 months after I stepped outside of my comfort zone, I realized that I have overcome my fears and developed a new confidence in the process. I've learned to embrace life and all it has to offer and never look back. And I've learned time management big time.

I'm still running but now instead of long stretches of time off I have 2 days and in those 2 days I have way too much to do. In February, my trainer asked me to tell him what had to go. He said, it's ok to say running. I quickly replied, it's not the running, that's what keeps me sane. As I told Bob about this conversation, he quickly replied, "did you tell him it was me?" Funny but maybe true. I chose this crazy 5 day a week schedule so that I wouldn't miss life on the weekends and so I could enjoy more time with my family. In the process I've managed to keep running by joining the Groupie Runs on Sunday mornings and that led to the formation of the CVS Girls on Tuesday nights. I joined the Life Time Run Club led by my trainer on Saturdays and some days I just run alone.I recently finished my 2nd Half Marathon with Rock the Parkway and Bob was right there cheering me on and together we cheered for Ashley as she crossed the finish line.

I've been able to watch Abby cheer and Austin play rugby. I've been to visit my mom and spend the day with Ryan in Manhattan. But most importantly, I cook dinner at night surrounded by the energy of my family and thank God that even though I feared change, I took a leap of faith so that I could enjoy what matters most.